


downplay your emotions

by angelcult



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Character Death, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, One-Sided Attraction, Suicide, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 15:53:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20230435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelcult/pseuds/angelcult
Summary: To love, must be a gift, but to know that your love is meaningless, it is Alois’ worst realization.





	downplay your emotions

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at about 5 in the morning, I apologize for any grammatical errors.

“You’re broken, Alois Trancy. A broken toy that no one, not even a starving demon, wants.” 

Ciel stared down at Alois with cruel intent, the deep blue of his eye gleaming. The younger boy’s office felt much smaller when he was staring at him like that, in a mix of disgust and what appeared to be pity, though Alois knew that the _ last _person to be pitying would be Ciel.

He was wanted in comparison to Alois, who had been left behind time and time again. The stitched wound in his side made him wince, but he didn’t reach for it as he would have weeks ago. It was taking so long to heal, Alois always felt that he would still die soon, if not from an infection, then he’d cut the string himself.

Ciel’s eye flickered to Alois’ side but he didn’t say anything else for a few moments. Folding his hands in front of him, the Phantomhive heir raised an eyebrow in question.

“Don’t you have anything to say?”

Alois smiled a little and leaned back in the chair. He shook his head, and blew a strand that fell from his fringe into his eyes away.

“I think I’d rather sit here and listen to you insult me some more.” He kept his tone light, waving his hand around like he was pleased or amused but Ciel could see the hurt and defeat. He’d always thought that Alois hid his true intentions well but he seemed more hollow, all of the demons he’d surrounded himself with were dead.

If Ciel didn’t know any better, he’d say that Alois had cared for him, but he knew that his heart had only rested with Claude.

It was pathetic, pitiful. The heir rested his chin on the knuckles of his intertwined fingers and closed his eye. Alois was fragile, if Ciel was intent on being cruel, he’d break him just to see if he got any valuable information out of him, but he knew that Alois knew nothing about his family’s death.

In the time he and Alois had been forced to share a body, they both learned things about each other that would not soon leave either of their minds. 

Alois watched Ciel as he thought, not foolish enough to believe he was relaxed and calm. He knew that if he so much as _ considered _it, Sebastian would have his head on a silver platter. 

The light filtering in gave Ciel’s pale skin a gentle glow, the too big chair left room to see his childish frame, and the way he tilted his head, the very simple action, portrayed his intellect. Dust floated in the visible light and if Alois let his eyes cross, he’d see a halo, he’d see wings and devil horns.

Ciel was an enigma, a fragile star, that Alois was scared to get close to, lest it burn out in his hands. 

It was a flight of fancy, of course, he knew that he’d never get that close to Ciel. If not because of his status, though he was technically on the same level, it was because he was not _ wanted _by the young heir, his hands were too dirty to touch him in comparison to one’s marked by Lucifer.

“Ciel.”

The heir opened his eye and pinned Alois to his seat, unaware of his ability to make the blond’s heart stutter. 

“I have to go.” Alois stood, swaying a little. The pain was growing in his side, and he knew that the infection was getting worse. Ciel seemed to know too, if the way he looked at the other’s side was any indication.

“Are you sure? I’m aware that you’re not fully healed and traveling can put too much stress on-“

“Yes.” Alois flushed at his own rudeness, but he had to leave _ now _. He had made up his mind sitting in that office chair, seeing Ciel so unbothered. 

“I’ll be going now.” He left in a flurry of purple, the click of his heels almost like a death toll.

“Master Trancy,” Alois paused and turned to face the demon, looking up to look him in the eyes. Carmine clashed with blue and Alois flinched inwardly, his gaze wavering a bit before they fell to the space between them. He’d always been a bit scared of Sebastian, but being alone with him put the boy on edge.

He’d kill him, if Ciel was his pleased with it.

“Yes, Sebastian?”

“Are you leaving in such a hurry? You seem to be a bit upset, I dearly hope my Lord hasn’t upset you in any way.”

Alois wanted to laugh, because Ciel always found a way to hurt him, whether it was intentional or not. It didn’t make him love the other any less, however, but his feelings had no use to the heir.

“No, he was️️..” His mind’s eye supplied him with that visual of Ciel bathed in sunlight, his faux halo made of light and warmth, and his lips twitched into a half-smile. “He was an angel. Do take care, Sebastian, and of Ciel as well.”

Before the demon could respond, the boy was rushing down the hall, pushing himself until he got outside. 

He needed to get home before he did something that he would regret.

* * *

  
  


“My Lord, pardon my intruding, but do you have an idea of what caused Master Trancy to leave in such a state?” 

Sebastian’s voice was not worried, only curious, as he poured a cup of tea for the young earl. He watched as the boy’s eyebrows furrowed, taking a sip of the hot tea before speaking.

“I’ve no idea, Sebastian. I don’t think anyone knows what he is and isn’t thinking about.” Ciel feigned nonchalance well, sipping the hot drink and reading over papers. 

Ciel was not as oblivious to Alois’ staring, it was hard not to be aware with how often he did it, but even with that knowledge, it wasn’t enough to decipher what he wanted, if he wanted anything at all. 

“If that’s all, please make sure Bard hasn’t destroyed the kitchen, I smell smoke.”

Sebastian hid a smirk behind his hand at the boy’s dismissal, bowing slightly.

“Right away, my Lord.”

* * *

  
  


“Don’t come and get me unless the manor is on fire.”

Alois slammed his bedroom door, listening to the servant on the other side of it grumble a swear at him before walking away. 

Sighing, Alois slid slowly to the floor on his knees, hand gripping his side. It was warm, and wet, blood soaking through the layers of clothes. He was thankful that these new servants weren’t as observant of him, mistaking his pain for anger. 

He’d picked at the stitches on the ride home, felt them as they’d come undone once he’d found the small knot keeping the thread in place.

Turning and pressing his back to the door, Alois forced his jacket, vest and shirt off, hands hovering over the wound in both awe and fear.

He’d die, if he didn’t get help, but he’d die even if he did. He knew the infection had spread too deep, even if doctors told him a few pills and a week or two of rest would help. _ (Or maybe he was lying to himself in order to have an excuse). _

Pressing his hand over the wound, Alois stayed quiet with his resolution in mind.

Life had not been particularly kind to him, taking away the few things he actually loved.

First Luka, then Claude, but he could not count Ciel because he’d never been _ his _, just a hopeless fever dream. Sometimes he hoped, other days, much like this one, he could dance with the idea of dying, taking his own life if someone did not kill him.

Would Her Majesty be saddened by his death? Perhaps not, though she was a woman with a sweet heart. Ciel would not, he would be one less problem then, and to tether himself further to the boy and stay alive, Alois supposed that’s what torture felt like. 

“Do I leave a note? I suppose not, it won’t be read.” Alois forced himself to stand, walking to his bed and flopping down on it, not caring that he was getting blood all over the sheets.

“It would be shameful to die like this, I think..” Alois laid there for a moment, before sitting up and going about changing into a nightgown, leaving clothes and shoes scattered all around the floor.

The silk stuck to him, blood painted across his skin, and a chill in his bones. Dying was a slow and sluggish process, Alois concluded as he climbed into bed, arms giving out when he attempted to hold himself up.

His vision was beginning to blur, and he knew the blood loss was making him see things, because of the room seemed brighter, darker, and then a flurry of color. 

Burying his face into a pillow, Alois rolled onto his side, pulling it into his arms and hugging it to his chest. He couldn’t squeeze it tight, he didn’t have the strength to. 

“Oh, you poor dear..” 

Forcing his eyes open, the blond hadn’t even realized that he’d closed them. It was that redhead woman again, who stared down at him with her oddly fluorescent eyes.

“I see you’ve finally decided to die.” She sat on the edge of his bed, flipping her long red hair over one shoulder as he gave him an odd look. “I’m early, and I can’t just kill you or else I’ll be put into overtime.”

Her voice was starting to get drowned out by the ringing in Alois’ ears but she kept talking, watching him out the side of her eye.

Grelle wondered if the sight of the child was so unnerving because it almost reminded her of herself, but the thought was a far away one, and faded without much inspection. 

She thought he looked calm, peaceful even, and the slowing of his heart was almost melodic. Closing her eyes, Grelle waited until she heard his heart stop, and his already weak grip on the pillow fell loose.

Standing from his bed, Grelle pulled a small book from her pocket and flipped it open, quill in hand.

“Jim Macken, born, November fifth in eighteen-seventy four to Samantha and Timothy Macken.. Died, August twelfth in eighteen-eighty eight. Cause of death,” Her eyes flickered to the boy, who she would have said was asleep if not for the pool of blood.

“Suicide.”

* * *

  
  


Ciel stared at the letter in his hand, silent as he read and reread the Queen’s words. His grip on the letter tightened and he grit his teeth. 

Sebastian tilted his head in question and the heir’s eyes flicked to the demon’s before they fell back to the letter.

“Alois Trancy is dead.” Ciel stated bluntly, and he saw the demon’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. He carefully took in his master’s reaction. Outwardly, he seemed fine, but if Sebastian focused on the emotions that was flooding their bond, he could single out distress, anger, disbelief and a hint of sadness.

“My Lord?”

“Leave me, Sebastian.” Ciel didn’t look away from the letter for another few seconds before folding it in half and setting it aside, going back to what he was working on before. His emotions were still in disarray, but he’d bottled them up into barely there distractions.

Bowing, Sebastian did as he was ordered.

Watching the door close, Ciel stared at it for a few moments and then back to the office seat.

Alois had been sitting there only two days ago, small and pained. His eyes had been hollow, and his smile was fake, his hair was dull.

He’d committed suicide that very same day, according to the letter. There weren’t many details, but his funeral would be held in about a week. 

_ Did he die alone? _, Ciel wondered, and some wayward part of himself hoped that he hadn’t, but it was a false hope.

Suicide was a private death. 

Ciel sighed, closing his eyes before opening them and going back to his work.

He had too much work to do. 

  
  



End file.
